And another day passes….

So, I was feeling decent yesterday. What a difference 5 minutes and the wrong words make. BLAH! I have no job and no real prospects and everything I apply for I get passed over or nobody even bothers to get back to me. I live in an area of 18% unemployment (yay for me) and own a house so its not like I can just pack up my shit in a car and head out the door at the end of the month (be damned the lease).  The other houses that have gone for sale on my street are either still for sale (after 2+ years) or sold after 3+ years. I’m screwed coming and going.

I have this job interview coming up on Tuesday and I’m feeling hopeful that maybe it will work itself out and I could be employed soon. And my boyfriend, in his infinite wisdom, shares that he doesn’t think I will work all summer and it will be time for me to hibernate and take care of myself. How depressing! I spiraled in 30 seconds. I went from feeling hopeful to feeling totally hopeless. Like why bother even going to the interview, ya know?  I am going and I will do my absolute best, but still.

Depression is a minute by minute battle and people who don’t really have it, don’t get it. Something so small and insignificant to one person can be devastating to another and it crushed what little hope I seemed to be getting back. And now I sit here and try to figure out what to do so I don’t feel hopeless, or more hopeless.  Sucked all the hope right out of me. I can’t even look at him because I’m so sad and depressed over what he said. *sigh*

BTW, I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not writing this for anybody but myself. I need some way to get all of this out so it doesn’t continue to accumulate and cause me angst to the point that it would just be easier to end my life then stay here. I’m not there yet. Honestly, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to commit suicide and I’ve not ever tried. The one time I felt like I would follow through with a plan I went to a friend and we agreed that admitting me to the emergency room was the safest thing to do. I got help right away and got better. I understand depression in general and mine specifically. Just wanted to toss that out there in case somebody stumbled across this post and thought I was either demented or “crying for help” and not getting it.

I’m doing this for me – so I can get all these words and thoughts out of my head without freaking out a  human being in my life that can’t handle it. Because lets face it, most human beings who care about me don’t want to hear this. I don’t blame them, its tough to hear when its a loved one, and I’m a professional.  So why burden another loved one with this?But seriously, if you don’t understand depression, or worse yet, you go around and say you do when you really don’t then go find some true definitions. And thats why I’m chronicling this too. Telling  a depressed person a hopeless scenario is the stupidest thing to do if you want them to feel better/healthier or whatever. On the other side of this tarnished coin, telling a depressed person to suck it up and deal is the stupidest thing to do also. I think thats the first sign of a professional who doesn’t really understand depression. When they tell you to suck it up. “suck this buddy” *insert finger or hand sign of choice here*

I’m just saying.

Another Day

So its a new day. Interesting. I read what I posted the other day. Can I believe that just a few days ago I had made a suicide plan thinking it would help others in life if I was gone? Depression is a fascinating beast. And I mean that in the most respectful way. We take it for granted that we might be feeling a little “under the weather” or “blue” or whatever and before you know it….I’ve let this beast sink its fangs into me and start ripping away. Sheesh!

Okay, having been a therapist and knowing how all this works, it still amazes me how easily all the education fades when its me in the middle of it.  It gives it that surreal feeling.

It also let me know how fast I can spiral. I also know that with every spiral in my life, I’ve been able to live through them and I will continue to do so. But to chronicle this, it amazes me what goes on in my head – in my world.

Welcome to the spaces of hell when in severe depression. And I’ve not even talked about the worst of it yet…..

How about those moments when I cry because somebody – anybody has offered a random act of kindness and I don’t feel deserving of it?

What about those moments of severe anguish that I can’t face another day, another afternoon, another hour, another minute, another second this emotionally agonizing so I cry so hard that I bruise the soft tissue around my eyes and I beg whatever belief system I subscribe to (and yes I do, and no its not christianity) to either kill me or help me – but preferably kill me so I don’t have to do the job myself. And then be pissed as hell because they “made me live” another day?

Or those times I fall on the floor, not able to move another muscle or step in life because I can’t find any purpose for it whatsoever?

Chew on that for a bit.

Life Sucks!

So, its been a long while since my first post and you want to know why? Because life sucks!  And its hard to blog when your life is so busy sucking that the ONLY humor you can find in it is…..if it didn’t suck here on Earth, we’d all fall off!

Its effing hard to blog when you are mucking through your knee-deep own misery and your boots have holes in them. And you wanna know what makes it WORSE???  Everything I pick up is all about how “I mucked through my misery and came out the other side and now its all flowers and sunshine.”  *puke* I mean really?  That’s great that you got through all your crapola and came out to sunshine and poop smelling like roses and all that. But what about the damned journey?  And don’t tell me the journey is “worth it” and “life enhancing” and yada yada. The journey through my ugliest depression is not “life enhancing”.  Some days its all I can do to make sure my life continues that day, if you know what I mean.  Shit! I’m sick of picking up a book about somebody’s depression and hoping to see what they really suffered through – not because I like seeing the dark sadness of others but so I can say “hey, been there” or better yet “hey, I AM there, now.”  Usually any books on this topic have a brief chapter – and my guess is it is brief because “how dare we actually write about the shit you truly mucked through on a day in and day out basis”?  THAT’s not inspiring at all. No shit Sherlock. That’s depression. Its not inspiring and at the moment I’m not looking for some fuck face who has sunshine coming out their ass crack – I AM looking for someone who is feeling like I do. Not to wallow in our misery together (trust me, I know what path that leads me down) but to say “Geez, I’m not alone and the depression wasn’t this 10 minute window but this years long freaking attack on my true self.”

So, yes, color me a damned bit bitter right now that everything is all sunshine and everybody wants you to sound all happy and fun and upbeat. When all I can do is make one foot go in front of the other without collapsing on the floor in a big crying heap of boneless wonderment?

Sit and spin on this World!

Depression looks a lot like Confuse A Cat

I’ve been a Monty Python fan since I was a kid and it aired on Friday and Saturday nights on PBS.  I was watching reruns and didn’t realize they were reruns.  I loved it and looked forward to it every weekend.

I’ve had depression all of my life from adolescence on. I’ve not ever realized how severe it could get until this last bout.  And it does come in “fits” or “bouts” where you trigger into it or rotate into it and either you get worse and basically stay there or you get help and get better.  I’ve usually gotten help, until this last time which I’ve kind of gotten help but kinda not and haven’t really followed through with much of anything and have basically gone from mild depression to mod/severe and not realized it until now that I’m in the middle of it all.

Ya, I realize I’m not writing anything ground breaking or profound so don’t go thinking that I think I’ve just discovered peanut butter, because I know I haven’t.  I’m just writing what I feel from my heart and that’s what these posts will be about.  MY fight through depression.  So, you are welcome to be responsive or to just read or to move onto another blog because this wasn’t what you thought it was and you aren’t really interested in this.  I’m fine with that – its not about or for you, this is about and for me.

As for why I think depression is like confuse a cat?  Well, first its just funny and makes me laugh and that in and of itself is huge when I’m depressed.  B, it makes me remember times when I was young, didn’t feel I had the weight of the world on me and hadn’t fallen into much depression yet.  Third, people don’t seem to notice and I don’t seem to notice that I’m depressed until I’m already there – like the cat sitting and doing nothing. Nobody notices that the cat is moping until he’s fully there and that reminds me of my depression.

I do journal and that is a good tool to use with depression, but I find I’m on the computer more and I do blog in other arenas of focus so I decided to give this a try instead.  I don’t know how frequently I’ll post (I can imagine it will be all over, sometimes daily, sometimes more than once a day, sometimes not for days), but I will use this as a coping tool for as long as it helps me.

Affirmations: I am a good person.  I am a strong person. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually happy and healthy.